Marathon Training for a Non-Runner

Oh my jesus!  A few glorious months ago I decided to quit smoking.  I love smoking.  I mean I fucking love smoking.  But at the ripe age of 25 I decided I love life too, and all that comes with it.  So I put down my little blue box of ciggies and went on the mend.  Part of 'the program' required me to pick up a new athletic hobby.  WTF?!?  New?  That insinuates that I previously had an athletic hobby that would dovetail into a NEW hobby.  I picked running.  Marathon running, to be precise.  And why might you ask?  For the same reason that a lot of great things were done throughout history - the intent of impressing the opposite sex.  You see my dears, there is a man who's affection I desire and he expressed interest in running a marathon.  Gawf!  Anything you can do, I can do better.  With more grace, sophistication, and just the right amount of sex appeal!

Or so I thought.

I did the due diligence of research. I researched bras, shoes, the apparel, right on down to the technique of long-distance running.  This is where the double rainbow ends!  Now it was time to actually starts running.  Fuck.  I lace up my sneaks, pop in my ear buds and I'm off like prom dress.  Day one: I'll just go for a simple three mile run...run...run...shit this hard.  It's been about two minutes and I'm already winded.  I must have gone about a mile already, right?  Cue anvil dropping on my little cartoon body, I had barely dented half a mile.  And I have to do how many more?  You have got to be kidding me!  Not even half a mile?  What have I gotten myself into.  Fortunately, I decided to take this fateful first run on a busy street in downtown Phoenix.  Thus the humiliation of being passes by the little old woman power walking keeps me chugging along.  Lung burning.  Why did I smoke for so long?  Better question: why in god's name did I quit?  If you remember, I love smoking.  You look cool.  You generally are stationary.  To trade it for something as treacherous as a 3 mile run began to seem sillier and sillier as the minutes ticked down.  Tick.  Tick.  Tick.  It was like waiting for the bell to ring before recess.  As I round the last turn I am drenched in sweat and about to vomit from all the jostling that comes with a good run.  I'm pretty sure I lost my left lung around mile two, and this is only the beginning.

Oh my Delicious!

 Oh my Deliciousness!  Best dinner yet, by far.  This little beauty consists of french bread (lightly toasted), fresh pear slices, bleu cheese crumbles and prosciutto.  Pop in the oven until warm and bubbly and you have the best dinner in 5 minutes or less.  The saltiness of the prosciutto really reacts well with the sweet crispness of the pears!  Yum all day long.

How to do it:


Spray both sides of a piece of French bread with cooking spray.  Place under broiler for about 2 minutes, flip, and put back in for another 2 minutes until bread is lightly toasted.  Place thinly slice pears and bleu cheese on toast and place back under the broiler for 2-3 minutes of until cheese is melted.  Sprinkle some olive oil and salt and pepper on top.  Then place the proscuitto before ENJOYING!  Messy unless eaten with a knife and fork.